October 25, 2021

Dreams can do funny things. They can make you recall moments and people of the past, and sometimes give you a glimpse into the “what ifs.” 

Inevitably, we all lose and gain different pieces of ourselves, even when we don’t want to. I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I’ve had in a while. Of people I missed, people who influenced me, people who hurt me. 

One place in your mind when you think of the past can offer all those things- some good, some bad. 

My dream was of where I used to work- a local fitness studio where I dared one day long ago to attempt to become a fitness coach. I did so many things, and took so many steps, to even attempt to achieve this goal. 

Some days I felt like I was just walking in blind faith toward something I never knew if it would happen.

But it did. And I moved from being a green coach to head coach and studio manager in a matter of years. I remember parts of the studio where I had to muster up courage, other places where I cried, other moments where I attempted a quiet breath.

In this dream I spoke with people I missed. Team members who changed my life in different ways. Covid took care of losing touch with many.

What was different about this dream was that I showed up to people fully. At the time I was coaching, I did my best to hide my pain, most of the time failing. 

Because what waited for me at home was so horrible I did my best to run from it, but I could never really outrun it. The alcoholism that was overtaking my husband was too strong for me to fight it. 

I was never really able to show up as the whole person I wanted to be.

I dare say I did take my baggage to work. Whether intentionally, because I needed someone to talk to, or unintentionally, attempting to be professional, but possibly failing at times, no matter how hard I tried to be normal.

What bothers me about this dream is now I would show up differently. After finally speaking my truth about my life, I would appreciate the people more. Ironically, I appreciated the people- clients and team members so much- but now I would do it even more, if that’s even possible.

To be given a second chance to show up differently. With so many problems of the past solved. What would that look like?

But here’s the glitch in that- problems arise at any given time. You solve one there, here is another. 

I can’t change the past. I can’t show up differently, because the studio doesn’t exist anymore. The people have dissipated to different parts of the country- new jobs, new homes, new lives and experiences.

Hanging on to the past can in many ways hurt you from becoming a better version of yourself for others, and you, in the future.

I now seek the hope of meeting new people. Of becoming a better version of myself for people who need it. I hope for the opportunity of new beginnings, and showing up authentically with all the pieces of me. 

Voices InCourage launches November 1. Come find a community where you can show up all of you, not just some of you.